Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

Have Suitcase, Will Travel or Maybe Not

Lately, I've been working hard and vacationing some. Still, I am aware that as with many of you, I need a better balanced daily life. I eat fairly well, exercise, faithfully (well pretty faithfully) attend my yoga and Pilates classes, have a great masseuse and sporadically meditate and work out with a trainer. So what's wrong with this picture?

When I was younger I had the opportunity to spend time in quiet spiritual retreats spanning a variety of eastern and western leanings. I have an insatiable travel gene and at times in my life I would have said "have suitcase packed, will travel." But, new needs are emerging. Is my priority to get on a plane to a distant land not yet visited or would a spa or even a retreat - perhaps a Zen retreat for 10 days of silence - be preferable? As I sage, these competing desires continue to call. Long ago I accepted that my own character was fairly intense. Perhaps it's genetic, environmental, familial, who knows? I've reached the s(t)age where I am less interested in explanations than living well within my own skin.

So, I invite you to journey with me as I sort out my variation of the same issues so many FiftyandFurthermores have. Yes, I loved my recent visit to Argentina and Buenos Aires, and there are so many places to see, but perhaps staying still watching the water from my own home might serve me better? Whatever path one takes at any given time is a prelude to next steps. Join me as I take mine, one slow step at a time.

Sage, Sex and Spirit: My Meeting With Ram Dass

Those of us on the senior side of Boomers remember counter culture icons Timothy Leary who coined the phrase, "Turn on, tune in, drop out," and his side kick Richard Alpert, later known as Ram Dass.  In my own early years, during my late teens and into my early twenties, I lived in New York City's Greenwich Village. I admit to being a “failed hippy,” never having successfully followed Tim Leary’s path. However, I did go questing in India on a spiritual journey and thus became fascinated by Ram Dass. I gravitated to his books in which he attempted to meld together spiritual thinking, teaching the harmony of all people and religions. And I liked that he brought his beliefs back into the world by founding and funding the Hanuman Foundation primarily to work in prisons and then to incorporate the “Living Dying Project,” which provides support for the conscious dying, well before such work was main stream. As a young woman, this thinking significantly influenced me.

Historically, I have not been an “autograph or guru seeker.” I’m pretty much too busy with a life of my own. But, while visiting some spiritually oriented friends in Maui ( see my prior Blog on Natasha) I learned that Ram Dass who had suffered a paralyzing stroke on his right side approximately ten years ago, was living in Maui and never planned to leave. 

My current husband, a Southerner does not share my early history and had never heard of Leary and Alpert so, he was a bit surprised by my desire and determination to meet with Ram Dass. Something in me longed to connect with him and our histories and to learn something more about who he was now. So I wrote to him requesting time together. 

Several days later after many twists and turns, my husband and I were sitting alone with Ram Dass in his welcoming, sparsely furnished home overlooking a magnificent Maui ocean view. And we talked, easily, flowingly simply. I found my self talking about early spiritual struggles and sexual questions that I had closeted away for over thirty plus year. Several times, tender tears of relief trickled down my face. Now 74, a twinkling sage destined to live in a wheel chair, he is writing a book on Joyous Aging. He has been though the downs and ups of life and his sprite is intact.

As we left, my husband, touched by this man, uncharacteristically said: ”May I hug you?” Ram Dass smiled his assent. The two men embraced in a big bear hug. And, of course, I requested a photo with him. (No, we didn’t have a digital camera with us, so I will add the photo as soon as the film is developed).

Why was I so desirous of this meeting? Who knows? There are many explanations. Suffice to say, it touched so much of what I hold dear and speak about here, Sage, sex and spirit. I came away more than glad I had come, reaffirmed, quieter and ever more committed to the work and writing I do.

Ye boomers of my generation, our paths may have diverged, but we were on a good track. If I had any question, my meeting with Ram Dass empowered me for what hopefully will be at least my last third of my life’s journey. Join me with your thoughts, feelings and reactions as we all travel on.

Mentoring Gifts

I was recently in Maui visiting my dear special friend Natasha to celebrate her 85th birthday.  (For a profile on Natasha, check out Sage in the Spotlight: Natasha Mann.) Natasha has chosen Maui as her final resting place, though with Natasha, the word “final” seems to have an infinity sign attached. She will leave this week to do a two week workshop for a group composed of international clients who have worked with her for years. Natasha has two grown sons who are therapists doing innovative and creative work, and both are long-time married with children. I add this tidbit as an example of how one only raises children. One does not choose their children’s paths.

Widowed young after tending an often ill husband, Natasha went on to live a life of challenge, love, personal exploration and as a gifted therapist with a life force energy and spiritual bent, traveled the world teaching, sharing and learning from others.

One evening, I asked Natasha why she thought that in addition to loving her, I had traveled to Maui to be with her.  The next day she said: “To learn more about aging.”  Of course she was right.

Through the years, as I have mentored others, I have always tried to hold close several people older than my self. I give and take, teach and learn. They stand as models of what I can be as well as examples of paths that are not nor could ever be mine.

Natasha lives simply, alone in beauty, attuned to nature as her constant companion. Her body feels its age. Friends, physical exercise, massage, her work, the phone and her ever-active computer keep her abreast of world events and remain a vehicle for her to express her political passions, her poetry and connect with those outside the island. Mostly, it is her own will to be fully alive that keeps her so.

I went to Maui bearing a gift and came away with far more gifts than I ever imagined. Life is like that. Isn’t it?

People Who Don’t Quit

The longer I've been in practice (over 35 years) the more I’m convinced that there may be a genetic component to those who keep trying, learn new skills and don’t take “no” for an answer. Studies show that some people appear to be born with a positive or “happy gene which helps them keep their eye on the ball and sustain periods of defeat. There’s’ an upside to the personality types who continue no matter what as failure is not in their vocabulary and they may actually succeed.

However, there’s often the opposite spin, a “neurotic” or shoot one’s self in the foot downside when an individual can only achieve so far and then let’s go or “fails” only to start over again. Here the quest has become more than the accomplishment or goal. There can also be a fear of success or fear of soaring above the crowd.

Without help, advice or guidance to break self defeating patterns, more often than not these patterns continue. Examples negative do-evers are: those who have multiple marriages, each time marrying seemingly different partners only to wind up in a similar place as the relationships that have preceded the current one.

Some people will return to try to succeed. One often sees this in politicians who lose an election, pick themselves up and over again. Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton and Joe Lieberman are examples of politicians who lost elections, got guidance and persevered. The trick is to learn which errors are harmful to repeat and to plow ahead with renewed vigor and tactics.

My favorite failure story is of a woman I once treated. As a very young woman she married a man who loved to fly and eventually they owned a small plane. After a series of what were for her terrifying events such as losing electrical power over Logan airport, or watching two men lift this machine out of mud as easily as lifting a twin’s baby carriage, Robyn decided she couldn’t tolerate the terror any more and would either have to stop flying or learn what kept this then foreign object up in the air. So she learned to fly. Tears ran down her face during instructional stalls. But, she persevered. She didn’t want to give up her adventurous life and it seemed prudent to know what to do even though she was not technically inclined. She left instruction for awhile, the lure remained and she returned, persevered eventually wining her license and her wings.

Several poor landings later she quit, she thought for good. Only to eventually start again. She was most proud of herself for facing her demons and mastering her fear, even feeling competent and useful. She was even prouder when she understood that she was a rather poor pilot and never tried to go beyond co-pilot level. This story would have better fit your request had Robyn become a fanatical and fantastic pilot in love with what she did. It never happened. On the other hand, she went through the same experience with scuba diving and over her life time, well into her fifties, she’s never given up diving. She says that the plane experience taught her that though she might start with fear, she could continue and find pleasure in something that once held her back.

But, it really is never too late to try.

One of my client’s dads had been an absent father and even when he was present he still wasn’t very good at his role. As an adult she married and divorced. After her divorce, her father who loved her, though he never quite developed the knack to tell her, reached out and came visit. They talked. How can I be a better dad he asked? You can’t she replied. Those days are gone. But you can be a better grandfather. And he was.

Calmly Discussing Death

A truthful discussion of Death in Jill Robinson’s Blog that is worth reading. Since I’ve just completed a book called When Your Man is Ill : Doing the best for your partner without losing yourself—and I have a chapter on Death, I found this especially interesting. I hope you do as well.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-robinson/calmly-discussing-how-and_b_28477.html