Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

The Juno Effect in Juneau?

What Bristol Palins Pregnancy Tells Us About U.S. Society
and the New Face of the GOP

 

What does the movie Juno have in common with Juneau, the capital of Alaska? Governor Sarah Palin & her pregnant teen daughter. The media has been abuzz about the exciting newcomer to the 2008 presidential election, Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who is now McCain's tough cookie, beautiful, blue collar running mate. Well now the news gets even juicier as journalists flock to the scene - Bristol Palin, her 17 year-old daughter, is five months pregnant. Governor Palin knew that her daughter was pregnant during her announcement last week that she was running for VP."

In fact, Bristol was photographed at the convention holding her little brother during her mother's speech, and newspapers around the country are now re-using the pictures of the pregnant Bristol cuddling her napping sibling. I don't know if the captured image was just a natural picture, a tender moment caught on film of the Palin family, or if the shots were set up by the McCain camp, but either way, it is pure PR genius for the conservative Republicans. Notice I am not being accusatory and implying that the pictures were necessarily "staged." I have no doubt that Bristol is a wonderful big sis, but one can't deny that the pictures have a great spin for the media who will either be eating up the images of her as a loving mom-to-be, or exposing her baby bump pictures next week on YouTube.

Rumors are flying that perhaps Sarah Palin's infant son is in fact her daughter's child. This rumor has been denied and shot down of course, but the political mudslinging is ramping up as the Republicans accuse the Democrats of starting the lie. All the world's a stage. Last season, on ABC's hit TV show Desperate Housewives, Bree Hodge (played by Marcia Cross) faked a pregnancy to cover up for her teen daughter who was unwed and pregnant. Bree wore a pregnant body suit in front of her unknowing friends and sent her young daughter away to have the child and avoid social embarrassment. This plot reminds me of the issues that were so common in the 50's and 60's before women had much of a choice.

Whether it is a blockbuster movie like Juno, Wisteria Lane, or Pennsylvania Avenue, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is just one example of a growing trend among American families. Teen pregnancy is at an all-time high in the US right now, and abortions are at a 30 year low. An amazing number of grandparents are now becoming parents all over again to their children's children. Many voters will able to relate to Sarah Palin's situation, but many others will question why the governor put her name in the hat to be nominated for VP, knowing that her daughter would be put under the microscope.

One has to wonder, if Bristol Palin wasn't using contraception, then why not? The contraception issue is quite contradictory among journalists. The Washington Post reports, "Except Sarah Palin opposes programs that teach teenagers anything about contraception. The explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support,' she said in answering a questionnaire from the conservative Eagle Forum during her 2006 gubernatorial race." But research shows that abstinence programs are failing our teens because it's nave to think that we can prevent teens from having sex, it just doesn't work.

In contradiction to this, TIME Magazine reports, "She is Christian and pro-life, but also a supporter of birth control: she's a member of Feminists For Life (FFL), an anti-abortion, pro-contraception organization. In 2002, she wrote a letter to FFL stating that she had adamantly supported [their] cause since [she] first understood, as a child, the atrocity of abortion.'"

Is Palin's daughter getting married for the sake of the child, and because she loves her partner? Or is it because Bristol feels pressured to "do the right thing" while standing in the center of America's glaring spotlight? Statistics indicate that teenage marriages have a tough time surviving, especially if they start off with an extra bundle of joy. Bristol will certainly have many obstacles to face as a young mother, even with the unconditional support and love that that her parents have promised her. I would hope that my own daughters would want to talk to me about their sexual relationships and contraception. What would I tell them to do? It would depend on many factors, such as the length of the relationships, economics and family support. As a psychologist, the one thing I know for sure is that there is no easy answer.

Welcome Home, Now Please Leave: Boomerang Generation (Redux)

College graduation used to mean applauding your kid's accomplishments, then remaining available on the phone for their lows and highs as they job hunted for their future career. Nowadays, in our current economy, the scenario is just as likely to be; "Hey Dad, Mom or both, I wanna' come home." With the joy of seeing your offspring again and the vision of no longer paying college tuition, you gladly respond, "How long?"  Your returning loved one, now part of the Boomerang Generation, may well say, "a few weeks, the summer or I don't know." What's a loving parent to do? Of course you want to see and help your conflicted fledgling adult. And of course you want to give him or her hugs. But, the reality of dirty laundry in their room or possibly all over the house again, or a twenty something partying into the night and sleeping half the day, or wondering why they haven't found a job yet irks you. "No, I am not going to pay for graduate school," you may think or say. "And whatever happened to the idea of lining up a job or even summer travel or something to do before graduation?"  Yes, you tried talking to your darling for months.  And, (s)he convincingly told you about how hard it was studying for exams, finishing all the work they had to do first, and adjusting to the significant other that was no longer around. And by the way, dear parent, will you pay for my car to be shipped home - and what about the cat(s) or dog(s) I've acquire along the way?

As a psychologist, I find my empathy equally divided  between today's befuddled (often feeling entitled) youth and comparably torn parents who tried to give their children so much of what they didn't have growing up, all the while attempting to instill "good" values. There's no winner here. Parents, whether in nuclear or blended families, are torn between opening their arms to their returning nester and once again wanting to kick them out. And if in doubt, after a few weeks, the feelings on both parents' and new college graduate often are: Welcome Home, Now Please Leave.

Post Mother's Day Reality

OK. So Mother's Day has come and gone and I'm still a mom.

Of course I love and adore my children and grand children, but in truth, I admit to moments of annoyance and wonder doesn't mothering ever stop? Here I am in my sixties, my kids grown and supposedly on their own, except one really isn't. I understand where she is in her life and why. I respect her growing pains and determination to develop her own life. However, this daughter still needs me. And, although I am there for her in the ways I find appropriate and supportive, I am not present for her in the ways she thinks I should or wants me to be. I am concerned for her. She is far from home and although she misses home terribly, she has decided to plant her roots elsewhere.

It's part of the challenge that many twenty something's go through as they separate from Mom (and Dad). They push away with one hand and pull with the other. This one wants financial independence, but deep down expects Mom to help out in ways that make sense to her, but not to me. Of course I want to be there for her and am. At the same time the word "No" comes out of my mouth more often than I wish.

My other children either have never been this way or have already grown past this independence struggle. Or, maybe I'm just that much older where I more easily tire of not having her fully grown? In the long run I know she is going through the developmental process of growing from one stage to another and that we will both come out the other side. But, while yesterday was a special day where I was feted and honored, I am ready for some consistent old fashioned respect. In Japan they have an Honor Your Elder's Day and the entire country closes down. I'm ready to have an honor your Mom's day every day. Yesterday was lovely. Today real life returns. No one ever told me mothering never stops.

Mother’s Day Reflections

For most of us Mother's Day is a joyous time. I usually find myself thinking about and missing my own long-deceased mother. My kids and grandkids also use the day to honor me. But today, as I think of our political climate and the race for the presidency, I found myself thinking about an article that I wrote five years ago. I think it says as much about my core experience of being a mother as any celebration our family has ever had. I hope it touches you as well.

AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY

One of my children is a daughter adopted 22 years ago from a little known orphanage in Pune, India. She joined our family at six weeks and became a US citizen before she could speak. Her pre-adoption history – as is so many other adopted children's - is a maze of facts and fabrications and we will never be able to weave together the complete truth about her origins. Her identity is the one formed as she grew up as part of our American family. She walks and talks with an all-American athletic flair. In high school, one of her most memorable moments was to crew at the challenging Head of the Charles - a most all-American event. During summer vacations, she earned spending money working as a lifeguard, teacher's aide, administrative assistant and a salesperson at a local boutique. We taught her the American work ethic that with hard work and perseverance, she had a good chance of achieving her goals. Color was never to be used as an excuse to not do her best. 

When I am with her, talking, cooking, arguing, I only see my daughter and I am colorblind. When I look at photographs of the two of us, I am often stunned at the stark contrast in our looks. It is only then that I see what the world sees. Her luminescent deep bronze skin, large dark eyes and exquisite long dark hair is sharply contrasted with my own green eyes, short blond hair, and pale white complexion. Sometimes it takes me a moment to recognize the two of us and to absorb the visual difference we present.

Helping her come to grips with her Indian looks in a Caucasian family has taken awareness on her and our family's part. When she was eight, I took her on a pilgrimage to India. I wanted her to understand her heritage and to be proud of it. Young and still unsure of whom she was, she was concerned about how they would know she was American. Without thinking I answered, "By the way you walk." Not totally trusting my response (which turned out to be true), she insisted on wearing emblematic blue jeans the entire time we were there.  I worried that those who saw her would think she was not well-cared for. I was embarrassed and wanted her to wear a dress. She won, and she made sure she flaunted the uniform of her adopted country for all to see. 

Now in her third year of college, she recently transferred to a university that is far from home, located in a city that is less cosmopolitan and international than her hometown of Washington, DC. It has a smaller international student body than she is used to, and at least in her eyes, more blue-eyed females with long, straight blond hair than she is accustomed to going to classes with. She has always been aware of being a minority, but before September 11th, she had experienced few ugly incidents related to her country of origin. If anything, she was developing a comfort level as "an attractive rare bird" valued by those of all skin shades.

Parenting always means walking a fine line between protecting your child and setting him or her free to learn on their own how to manage life's downs and ups. After the September 11th attacks, I had to do something that I am sure many parents had to do and no parent in America should ever have to do. Sad and determined, I called my daughter. "Hon," I said, "I don't want to worry you, but I have to tell you something. Times have changed and you need to be careful. I want you to live your life as usual, but stay close to school, go out in groups and think carefully about where you go at night. And, please, when you party or shop, take care and don't go alone." She listened quietly. "Mom," she said. "I didn't want to worry you, but I was in a Seven-Eleven and some guy got nasty with me. He asked my religion and wanted to know if I was Muslim. It was scary. I was with my friends and we left." Painful memories of Jews, Japanese, Tutsis, Hispanics, Armenians, Blacks - other racial, ethnic, or religious groups under siege - flooded my brain. "You did the right thing," I responded. "Just use your street smarts and you'll be fine." I hung up, feeling helpless, angry and heartbroken. The safest, most liberal country in the world was no longer safe. Not for my daughter, not for those of dark complexion, not for anyone who looked Middle Eastern or stereotypically Islamic. 

I believe she will never again be as safe as she once was. I brought her to a free country where color shouldn't matter. As many ethnic groups know all too well, it does. And after September 11th, I fear it will matter more. She is my daughter. I love her and my love is colorblind, but not everyone else's is. September 11th brought ugly, unfounded prejudices once again to the fore. In the past, it has been other groups who think, dress or look differently who became the recipients of hate. This time it is Muslims. 

We are a diverse nation. Tolerance is our strength. Each of us has an obligation to be vigilant and to not let ignorance overcome wisdom. Now it is my turn to worry about my child. Next time it could be yours. My daughter is an American. She shouldn't ever have had to face discrimination and concern for her safety. Now she does. September 11th has presented us with a new American Tragedy. We cannot let the evil of prejudice prevail.

My Child No More - Love Beckons

My baby daughter, who in fact is quite a grown woman, brought home her first ever significant other deemed worthy enough for us to meet.  They seem to be serious and he’s passed first inspection. But what mixed feelings this mom has felt. I so want her happy and know she needs to move into a life where she loves and is loved and continues to grow in her own way. I am proud of her and applaud her every step. But, deep down, my sense of loss conflicts with my joy. She is doing everything she was raised to do-to follow her own path and grow in her own way. Yet, with every step that she firmly takes into her own life, I sense the loss of my child. She is becoming the grown-up person she was raised to be. I smile joyfully, with a tear behind my eye. Once again I am reminded of the truth that every new step, no matter how joyful, involves loss. To love a child truly means learning how to let them be and to tolerate your own mixed feelings without intruding. All parents understand this conflict--or, should!

STILL SEEKING THAT SPECIAL BALL

Today, I am a working Grandma still seeking the special gift I promised my two grandsons for Christmas. What’s a grandmother to do when the item is out of stock, can’t be found and is promised? How long does an IOU last for guys 11 and 13? Not long enough for them to continue to believe in Grandma. They are well past believing in Santa Claus. But when those who love a child let them down, the consequences can be great; trust is broken and hurt remains. So I search the web and stores today to keep a promise made and remain in their good and trusted graces.

The footballs are special editions usually found at the Washington Redskins football store - they have been out - that the kids get signed by the players. That's the only thing they want. So I add finding those balls to today's mission. How often have you found yourself in a similar situation?