Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

Diversity of Choice

Whether or not you are a Republican or Democrat, living on opposite sides of a red or blue line, if you are over fifty, you've got to be aligned on one issue. America has come a long way, baby, since our generation cast our first ballot. Whoever anticipated that the choice of Presidential contenders would come in almost as many flavors as Haagen Dazs ice cream?

With John McCain's candidacy, the Republicans have given us a home run opportunity to overcome ageism. John McCain is 72, which means that, should he win the presidency, in four years a 76 year-old man will lead our country. If he's reelected for a second term, in eight years we will be celebrating an octogenarian's birthday. In an era where 65 is still considered the age of impending senescence and a bench line for retirement, McCain stands as an example of hope and possibility for all those in their sixties and over whose companies consider them obsolete. For it's still the "young Turks" who tend to get hired instead of those with experience. The former are more often let out to pasture with minimal respect, opportunity or even the once requisite gold watch. Assuming he doesn't become ill or develop Alzheimer's, McCain's candidacy should help break ageism barriers and give age-mates like us a chance to show the world our years are to be honored and should not be taken in vain.

Who would've thought that McCain would choose Sarah Palin as his running mate? A 44 year-old mother of five, the governor of Alaska who started her career in the PTA, a woman who runs her home while still living in the limelight. The true definition of a working mom. She and her husband have always worked with their hands and are portrayed as working class people who have risen as the result of the American dream. She was just a child when the civil rights workers were being murdered in the name of integration. Forty four years later, Sarah Palin stands as a symbol of the wondrous change in America.

Then, we have Hillary. No, she didn't become our presidential candidate. But she did manage make "18 million cracks" in a glass ceiling that will continue to shatter. Hillary is 62 and her energy amazes me. Like her or not, she is a woman who has seasoned well with age. I remember hearing her speak 15 years ago, still hesitant and shrill. As with a great athlete, she has continued to train and practice and become a significantly better politician and speaker than she was in her youth. So, with Hillary we have both a female and an age-mate who exemplifies that aging can be gift to which we aspire.

And finally we have Barack. Forty years ago, I lived through the civil rights movement, marked by such incidents as Arkansas governor Orville Forbus (1955 to 1967) ordering the Arkansas National Guard to stop African American students from attending Little Rock Central High School, and the death of Michael Schwerner and others. At that time, none of us could have fathomed the emergence of a hybrid such as Obama who could have chosen to pass as white, but instead embraced his rich heritage and identified himself as an African American. In this capacity, he has given us the opportunity to vote for him as president of our country.

Though I care passionately about who wins, that is not my point. My awe is how much America has changed in the over 40 years that I've had the privilege to vote. I want my children and grandchildren to understand this sense of history. Our candidates reflect this phenomenal change. It is now possible for anyone, any age, any gender and any ethnic group to consider running for the highest office of this land. And if that is possible in the political stratosphere, just think what the rest of us are capable of. No matter one's ethnic background or age, the opportunity for advancement exists. We are developing what America set out to be: a land of opportunity, where hard work and ability matter, no matter what you look like or how old you may be, and can bring you to the brink of the presidency. What an Amazing country this is.

Airport Security - an oxymoron?

A friend kindly offered to transport and deliver a wrapped up holiday gift from someone I know to me. She was carrying it in her suitcase never having inquired what the gift might be. Long story short, it turned out to be a thoughtful, useful, new design, very lovely wine stopper with an in-the-bottle insert the size of a three inch blade. After tearing apart holiday gift wrapping, much confusion and negotiation, she was allowed to transport it. I am most grateful and pleased she did.

However:  Here are some things I know about flight travel which leads me to believe our airport security system is far from smart or safe.

I have had the experience of walking through security and never being checked.

I have had the experience of being so thoroughly checked that my companion walked through unnoticed.

Control tower personnel are hired at less money and less training than ever before. That means an already vital and high stressed job is increasingly going to inexperienced personnel with less credentials, interest in the job and decreased ability to handle a profession that involves our lives.

Many airlines are hiring pilots with less credentials and hours than before.

There are more near misses than reported and the reports that have been published indicate some airports' near misses are as high as one out of three.

Why isn’t there increased public awareness about all of this?

Now that our holiday season is over and most of us who have flown have arrived at or returned from our destinations safely, how about new legislation for the New Year? How about a candidate considering this a vital enough issue to add to their campaign agenda and pledge to do something about it?

And while I’m on the topic of airlines…

What difference does code yellow or orange or red make? What am I supposed to do? Stop flying when I see a code warning? Or simply get scared?

And as far as US Marshals on every important flight, I’ve gotten to know many and they seem like nice enough people. Will they keep you and me safe? Who knows?

What are your thoughts and reactions to flying today? Do you feel safe?

My thoughts on the Omaha killings

Robert Hawkins has now put an otherwise unknown Omaha Mall on the map by killing seven people before he killed himself. His name can now be added to Cho Seung-Hui who has forever changed the image of the bucolic campus of Virginia Tech, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo who terrorized Washington, DC, killing twenty one innocents in their killing spree, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold who marked the quiet Colorado town of Columbine with blood, and we may as well toss in Timothy McVeigh whose murder of 168 lives was the deadliest act of terrorism within our borders until 9/11.

All of these killers were troubled men with histories of feeling alienated, depressed, angry and other internal psychological dynamics. Several lashed out at society and in their rage sought suicide/murder as a way to have their 15 minutes of media fame. I don’t think increased psychological diagnosis is all that is needed. If anything, the scariest truth is that the nice kid next door could be your next killer, or even more horrifying, that next criminal could be your own kid. (Don’t cringe and say “no.” Listen to me, I am right.) With today’s hyperactive world and our increasingly busy lives, no one can watch all troubled teenagers or ex vets or their seemingly nice neighbors next door all the time. Killing sprees will continue to happen. And as long as there is media attention, copy cat killings will increase.

So someone is depressed or feels alienated or needs a more stable family environment... Big deal! Although, with more awareness and greater vigilance, some horrifying killing sprees can be contained, we can’t stop all.  Our world is moving too fast for us to contain all the loose cannons. Get used to it. This is America today. If you keep watching TV and reading print news, you will have to learn to live with the terrifying truth that bad things do happen to good people, and that you or your loved ones may very well find yourselves one day in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So what can you do?

Love deeply and passionately all those you truly care about now and every day. Be in the moment and don’t sweat the small stuff. Life is too precious not to reach out and love. And just in case you've forgotten lately to reach out to those you love: Make love, hug your kids. Do something nice for a neighbor or those in need.

Remember that you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. Talk about your feelings within your family and to your friends. Don’t be afraid to cry and to be angry. If talking isn't your strong suit, try expressing yourself through sports or other physical activity, music, writing, or art. Helplessness is not a fun feeling. Use your emotions to be helpful to those in need. Action makes you feel powerful and more in charge. Helping others helps you.

Don’t isolate yourself or stop living your life all together. Though the unexpected can happen, keeping a positive outlook on your life and keeping as normal a schedule as possible helps you feel sane, functioning and in control. Everyone needs some kind of anchor. Routines can be that anchor.

Reach out for spiritual connections if you have a strong faith, and get in touch with others of your own faith or your spiritual advisors to help work through some of your issues. If you do not have a faith system but have spiritual values, try to connect with those who might share your values and begin talking.

Focus on maintaining physical health. Try to eat regular meals, take daily vitamins, engage in some physical exercise and get rest. Mental distress takes a physical toll on your body.

Learn all you can about the reactions you are having. It often helps to know what physical and mental reactions are common after a killing spree. If your anxieties persist, try short-term therapy, counseling or a support group. There are also many organizations and agencies that can provide you with additional materials, referrals to resources, or counseling assistance. Even the Internet, used with care, can provide helpful hits about how to cope.

Turn off the TV and in spite of my advice to keep a normal schedule, shopping on line sure seems appealing right now.

I'm not betrayed by Marion Jones

The October 5th issue of Time Magazine features an article by Sean Gregory titled "Feeling Betrayed by Marion Jones." After reading the article, my first thought was: Why would anyone who understands American society and the American psyche feel betrayed by Marion Jones? We live in a cultural wonderland of hype and tall tales and most of us buy into them until the perpetrator gets caught. Then, we act surprised and wonder how this or that person could have lied. Hogwash! We live in a society where we adore larger than life heroes and heroines. And we love success. Who of us knows the truth of how that person got to the top? Often we simply applaud and adore a person who keeps their secrets better than one who doesn’t, and we sit on our couches watching the media bask in their winning ability.  Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong and a host of others' achievements have been rife with rumors of steroid use. (I know many of you may cringe because I put the two in the same category.) I certainly don’t deign to know which rumors are true or false. However, I am sure that we loved what Marion Jones achieved and as long as she was a winner, we applauded her success.

So Jones didn’t tell tales as successfully as others? So she got caught and confessed.  So we feel duped? So what? Are we like irresponsible children who believe in fairy tales and refuse to acknowledge our part in wanting our winners to be pure? Ms. Jones worked hard and ran hard. She wanted to win daringly enough to use whatever aids she could. Do I wish she could have been what I dreamed her to be — a woman of beauty, determination, valor, strength extraordinary ability and virgin pure? Sure. So she wasn’t. Or rather she was (and is) all those things, plus a very flawed human being, driven to push herself beyond her natural abilities. Or neither she nor we will even know what her natural athletic ability was. That’s a pity.

I am not advocating cheating, lying and doing what one must to win. However, I am reminding us that we too are responsible for creating a country that pushes our heroines and heroes to win against all odds. When a great like Marion Jones falls, it’s all too easy to forget our own foibles, fears and sometimes out of bounds actions that we may have used to succeed. Perhaps it’s no more than beating a red light or managing to see an answer on someone else’s chemistry test or taking that anti anxiety pill before a nerve-racking speech. Few of us are so pure as to not understand what drives a superhero to succeed.

Does this mean I’m glad Marion Jones took steroids? No. Do I think the end justifies the means? No. Do I believe we are a culture of second chances? Absolutely. Just look at Martha Stewart, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, Madonna, Angela Jolie, Jim Baker and hosts of others who have successfully come back after falls. I truly regret Marion Jones felt she had to do something illegal. I’m sure she has and will struggle with the current results of her steroid use decision. For me, when a giant (or giantess) tumbles as deeply down a ravine as Jones has, the punishment has met the crime. In our age of honoring comeback kids, I, for one, hope she makes it.

Post-9/11, 2007

I fly often. In fact, since I am in a commuting marriage (more about the pros and cons of such a relationship in another Blog), either my husband or I fly almost weekly between National Airport in DC (DCA) and Jacksonville, Florida (JAX). Both airports are on high security lists and to my knowledge we always have US Air marshals on all our US Air flights.

 

On last evening’s flight, I was talking with a fit, clean-cut looking young guy who may or may not have been a US Marshall. It is not proper etiquette to ask their identity. (And if asked, they of course may not respond.) I commented on the fact that whenever I fly I must pay attention to an airport warning of code yellow and more often orange and red. I pondered out loud to him my reaction about the warning codes. I ignore them. What am I supposed to do? Be more afraid? Not fly?

We talked for a while and I found myself thinking about this week’s aftermath of 9/11. Especially the anxiety and relief that my clients and all with whom I came into contact appeared to experience after last Tuesday (9/11 2007).

One of my groups, whose members are all over 50, spent their group time reminiscing about the fact that we were together when the attacks occurred six years ago. We talked about how each person reacted and still reacts about the possibility of potential threat. The memory remains deep inside each of us.

I still fly and as stated above, choose to ignore the code warnings. Last Tuesday I was not consciously aware that I had any anxiety, yet, I too breathed a sigh of relief when the day was over. And I too will always live with the knowledge that both my country and I are forever vulnerable. From a psychological perspective, that vulnerability is always present. But rituals and anniversaries do serve to heighten whatever we feel.

Cleavage in Politics

I’m a psychologist old enough to have grown up prior to women’s lib’s edict to wear a manly suit, put my hair in a bun and succeed in a man’s world by acting as a man. I thought it was rubbish then, as I think it is today

Respectable cleavage is good. Finally women are being women and have stopped trying to play in a man’s playing field by dressing like men. Sex sells and femininity and brains are not mutually exclusive. For years women made the mistake of forgetting they were women and lost themselves in ways by diminishing some very genuine genetic gifts.  As diversity’s becoming a reality, the term applies to women as well. Women as women have a right to dress like women and still be smart. Anne Richards was one of the few politicians who got away with being herself before it was popular.

It is not accidental that Hillary is showing cleavage. She has been called a “dyke” and other unflattering terms. Showing cleavage is part of her “coming out” as a politician and saying, I’m not all buttoned up. I’m female, mother, woman. I'm smart and sexual. Take me as an entire person. Look at me. I’m smart and sexy. (well I’m not sure I’d go that far, but you get what I mean.)

Giada de Laurentis is passionate abut food and life. Why wouldn’t she show that in her attire as well? Nancy Pelosi dresses with flair and recently Jacqui Smith, the new British home secretary, spoke before the House of Commons showing far more cleavage than Clinton. 

Many have condemned Hillary for looking “dowdy." When Argentina's 's Cristina Kirchner announced July 2 that she would run for president, she allowed her long, black hair to cascade over a plunging neckline, If Hillary started showing as much cleavage as her Argentinean counterpart, it might actually give her an advantage. She could use her feminine wiles to manipulate the electorate. The electorate is always being manipulated. Why not in this way? Why not now?

ORAL SEX CASE: A PSYCHOLOGIST SPEAKS

Rubbish I say and I am angry.  Apparently there was a party and someone was using a video which showed a number of boys having sex with a girl who appeared intoxicated.  The boys were charged with sexual assault, and the 17 year old was charged with the “aggravated” act of receiving oral sex from a different, consenting 15 year old girl.  It is important to mention that the 17 year old is African-American, Genarlow Wilson, was a talented high school athlete. He chose to fight it in court rather than plea bargain.  The video convinced the jury they had to convict, even though they did not want to.  He was found not guilty of the charge of having sex with the intoxicated girl. That was two years ago. Since then, the  Georgia legislature has changed the law, but consciously did not make it retroactive to this young man’s case.   The case shows the crazy, backward state mind of some legislators in America. Let him go. Sex is here to stay. What has he done wrong?

PARIS HILTON 'S DIAGNOSIS: SPOILED BRAT

  A psychologist colleague who works with teens and young adults tossed her hands in the air while at dinner with me one night. She’s a great committed therapist and she’d had a very difficult day with several parents of unruly young women. Looking at me, she said, “Sometimes I want to say to these indulgent parents, there’s nothing wrong with your daughter, she’s just a spoiled slut. I know I’m not supposed to have judgments, but these girls have no rules and no discipline and in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with them that some responsible parenting couldn’t cure.” Well, after reading the latest on Paris Hilton, I tend to agree. 

"She was taken handcuffed and crying from her home. She was escorted into court disheveled, without makeup, hair askew and face red with tears."

(Read the CNN story here)

If she was my daughter or anyone else’s who wasn’t worth zillions, she would never have gotten away with any underwear flashes in public, partying 24/7 and exorbitantly special treatment in and out of jail. Frankly, I’m tired of spoiled brats and rehabs as role models for our growing kids. I’ve always considered myself pretty open minded and accepting about youth and even elders “sowing their wild oats.”  But enough is enough. Though, I’m starting to feel like a cranky psychologist, please media, give me and all of us over 50 a break. Enough Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, K-Fed and Britney Spears, Pete Doherty and all the rest I’ve missed. While I’m not quite ready for the perfect bow tie, white shirt bible thumping sales guy knocking at my door, almost anything has to better that this kind of media blitz. I tend to agree with my colleague. Paris Hilton's and all those new front page vacant looking faces' real life DSM IV psychiatric diagnosis should be: Spoiled Brat.

Memorial Day Disruption

My dad fought in WW ll, which means that era helped shape the rest of my life. My parents did not have best of marriages so my memories of that period when he was away are paradoxically positive.  We were a community of women and children who relied on each other, together baked cookies for our husbands and dads and the kids all went to nursery school together. I loved nursery school and my still dearly remembered teachers of those early days. I liked the lack of strife in my household and the War seemed a not understood entity the way children don’t understand such events. I knew it brought my community together, that I had a special relationship with my Mom and that life seemed good. My life changed after the war after my dad came home—but that’s for another tale.

Today we have another war. It’s a war that has left the USA divided; pretty much alone in it’s mission and has caused us to lose standing in the world. Halliburton and other companies have gotten rich while young men and women die, in my opinion, needlessly. On this Memorial Day, I cannot help but contrast the two wars and their meaning. In a world that is shrinking in every way. Why does our current horror have to continue? I honor those who have died. I honor even more the stopping of this insanity.

Ignoring mental health issues won't make them go away...

Check out this article from the Washington Post regarding the VA Tech gunman's ignored mental health issues. Just another tragic example of the pitfalls of not taking mental health concerns seriously. When someone feels a lump in their breast or develops a recurring cough, the first thought is to visit a specialist and get medical help. However, when mental health issues present warning signs, the inclination is often to look the other way. The idea is that if we ignore depression or other related mental illnesses, they will just go away on their own. This is far from the case, as was tragically exemplified in the case of Cho. While the court ordered that he receive mental health treatment, no one seemed to think it was serious enough to follow through and make sure he had indeed been seen by a professional. They let Cho slip through the cracks until HE cracked. Let us learn from this horrible massacre that there should be no stigma attached to seeking help for mental illness. As VA Tech has taught us, one person's untreated depression can affect all of us.