Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

The John Edwards Affair - A Couples Issue

Extra marital affairs in American society are far more common than any of us like to admit. Some surveys have found that as many as 40% of married women and 60% of married men engage in extramarital affairs. The fact that John Edwards had an affair is not of particular interest to me. As a psychologist, I live in a world of secrets. And yes, even people's outright lies. Lack of authenticity is often fodder for an individual's pain. Helping couples mend or dissolve damaged marriages is much of what I do on a daily basis. Thus, for me, the most cogent issue is not what the affair says about this public man, but what it says about this public couple. The Edwards jointly chose to have John run for America's highest office. In this day and age of political paparazzi, the fact that neither of them considered that information about their relationship and their affair would become public knowledge well, that's representative of the couple's dynamics.

The Edwards have endured a very public ordeal surrounding the death of their son and Elizabeth's battle with incurable cancer. I believe that, in many ways, their 31-year marriage is based on old fashioned Southern values. These marriages are stereotypically filled with denial and the ability to look the other way when confronted with unwelcome facts. Often these marriages also take pride in having super human strength in the face of adversity. Living with no matter what can be an attempt to gain admiration. It can also be a defense against standing still and experiencing pain on a deeper level. In this case, given their endless public pursuit of "carrying on," I am left wondering if their marriage might be primarily reflect the latter.

I neither condone nor condemn the affair. However, I do make a strong argument for couples and families in trouble seeking therapy. I am not privy to whether or not the Edwards ever sought professional help. However, in my view, it would be wise for any family who has been through the death of a child to seek counseling. I also believe that the structure of almost all long term marriages is subject to change and, at various points, marriages need to be renegotiated. Clearly, as loving a couple as the Edwards may be, they are both responsible and have colluded, not necessarily in the affair, but in their willingness to jointly open their lives to the public scrutiny while at the same time knowingly acting in ways that undermine their credibility.

I honor Elizabeth Edwards' request that helicopters stop flying over their home. However, one cannot intentionally seek public office without anticipating that dirty linen will emerge. From a psychologist's perspective, I wonder if their mutual pain was so deep that the only way they could confront it was to risk a public viewing. By subconsciously inviting the public into their most private life, they must confront dark corners in their own lives as well as in their marriage, although one has to wonder what would possess a couple to do so in the harsh glare of the public eye?

I believe that in order to have an intimate, growing marriage, most couples have to confront unwanted issues at some point in their relationship. In that way the Edwards are no exception only their issues are more obvious than many.

Boomers Break to New Jobs

THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE IS NOW: WATCH WHAT WILL HAPPEN THIS YEAR.

Boomers are a wide demographic: the oldest, at 60, are nearing the age when their parents probably thought about retiring, while the youngest, at 42, are just hitting the sweet spot of their careers. Some are fantastically wealthy; some struggle in poverty. But most have approached their working lives with a self-determination unlike any previous generation—and for many, that means starting a whole new career in midlife. "There are tens of millions of people involved here, [asking], "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?' " says Richard Fein, author of "The Baby Boomer's Guide to the New Workplace." Every day, a few more boomers blast those "new contact info" e-mails out as they pursue new professional adventures. Some are trading high-paying jobs to move into nonprofits or government positions. Some are starting businesses—or trying to parlay an individual passion (for quilting, say) into a way to make a living. Not all these moves are voluntary: for many people nowadays, the journey toward a new career begins with the pain of a pink slip.
And not everyone will find what they're seeking. Harvard political scientist Russell Muirhead, author of "Just Work," says the notion that one's occupation should deliver something more meaningful than a paycheck began with the 19th-century Romantics, but it's boomers who've truly embraced this ideal. "They expect in some sense that their careers will help them realize their authentic self," he says. Muirhead thinks it's an attitude that's a bit overblown; while many of us whine that our jobs just don't excite us, it's worth recalling how happy our Depression-era grandparents were to have any job that delivered a reliable paycheck. But for a generation that invented the midlife crisis, career changes will no doubt continue.
Many of these job changes are driven by altruism. For 28 years, Bruce Pasternack worked at Booz Allen, a management-consulting firm. He counseled CEOs and wrote two books on management. But in the late 1990s, he began doing pro bono consulting work for the Special Olympics, the charity that encourages athletic competition for mentally impaired individuals. Soon Pasternack was on the Special Olympics board. Last year, as the group began to hunt for a new CEO, he mentioned his potential interest to the then CEO Tim Shriver. "What else could you do with your life in the next few years that would have as great an impact on the world?" Shriver asked him. This week marks Pasternack's first anniversary as CEO. He's taken a big pay cut, endured a heavy travel schedule and posed for hundreds of photos with Special Olympians. But at 59, he's happy. "It's more than met my expectations with respect to the personal satisfaction," he says.

For some career-changers, public-sector jobs are also a way to give back. This fall Waynewright Malcolm, 42, will begin teaching pre-algebra to eighth graders in Pembroke Pines, Fla., earning $38,000 a year. He can afford the meager paycheck because in his last job, as treasurer at the home-building giant Lennar, he made millions in salary and stock options. "A part of me has always wanted to teach—it's been in my heart a long time," he says. "My wife was very supportive when I told her what my plans were, but she challenged me—she wanted to make sure I was doing this for all the right reasons." Looking ahead to the fall, he's confident he is.
Excerpted from Newsweek June 12-2006