Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

Saging with Too Much Zest?

A few Friday's ago, as I was looking forward to and busily planning a weekend trip, I wound up in the George Washington University Emergency Room instead. The fact that it's a Trauma 1 center and that staff couldn't be nicer did little to ease my concerns. My doctor had already called in, so to my surprise and delight, I did not have the hours of long wait that Steph, my Executive Assistant, had prepared me for. My books went unread and there was no need for my carefully packed food.

Why did I end up in the emergency room on my Friday night, you may ask? I had had some internal lower back pain off and on for months. It wasn't muscular, and I believed it was either kidney or uterus-related. An ultrasound showed a small cyst on my right ovary, which if not malignant is concerning, but not a big deal. Still, as I was being checked by various specialists of Western and Eastern orientation, the pain continued to get worse. My doctor, telling me I'm not a complainer, urged me to go to the emergency room and get a CAT scan.

Steph sat with me until my husband flew in from hurricane territory in Florida. He managed to get on one of the few planes out of Jacksonville and arrive at my bedside looking as if could use a hospital bed for sleep. After going through the procedure, thoroughly body-scanned and diagnosed, I left that evening.

The good news is that nothing significant was discovered. The bad news is that no one knows what causes my pain. But, red-faced, I now have an idea. I've increased my exercise routine significantly these last few months, especially adding more Pilates workouts. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this wonderful concept, Pilates focuses on core strength and requires much "C" shaped back rolling alternated by long stretching. I wonder if even though I am not aware of pain as a result of the classes, my lower back could be getting the kind of deep muscular workout that has caused it to hurt? I will ask my teacher and also request that I am watched very carefully. Hopefully, the answer can be that simple to find.

Either way, this experience is a reminder of how quickly life can change. One missed step or an errant gene, one car wreck or illness, can alter your life instantly. With humility, I once again am reminded of how tenuous life is.

Is Eighty the New Fifty?

Time Magazine makes a good argument that this is the case, at least in the business world. However, I prefer the more honest saying, "80 is the new 80." Anyone not yet there has some wonderful role models to emulate. Certainly when one looks at the accomplishments of today's businessmen, scientists and even enduring rock stars, the retirement age of 65 seems an outmoded and an inappropriate holdover from former times when life stopped sooner. Those who want to retire at 65 and need government help to do so should have it. But for those who want to keep on going, let's start thinking out of the box and not let discriminatory ageism stand in their way.

There's Warren Buffett, strumming his ukulele, hosting his Woodstock for capitalists. There's the rich and irascible oil man, T Boone Pickens, trying to save the world with his own TV ads and organization. (And he's not even running for office!) There's Bruce Springsteen whose energy still makes my blood pump. Not to mention Neil Diamond, 67, Mick Jagger, 64, and Tina Turner, 68, who are still filling arenas. And 82 year-old Tony Bennet who has come back from retirement stronger than ever.

So, dear FiftyAndFurthermores, think about what you want as you sage. As many Silver Celebrities and everyday folk have shown, the future can be what you make it, at fifty OR at eighty.

Tomorrow Begins A New Today

I had a lousy couple of weeks before and after I got away for a vacation in Argentina where I had a blast (see my blog Too Old To Tango? Think Again ). The before and after part included computer glitches (hard for someone who pours herself into a website), staff and family illness, as well as loss of key staff members. I was reminded of some of those long-ago days when I was a multi-tasking, sometimes overwhelmed single working Mom. Wisdom, luxury and help be damned. Clawing through "administrivia," negotiating contracts, caring about staff under duress and taking care of ill family members is never easy - even though I sometimes forgot it can happen again and again.

Life can be slippery and bumpy at any stage or age. At this age, sleep beckoned and was needed more than in my youth. To put it mildly, it's been one helluva not fun time. However, I look around at the wonderful summer fresh air, watch my tiny herb garden grow, and go to yoga to breathe, relax and help get the kinks out of my body. I remember some of the good parts of having perspective as a result of living long enough to go through the downs and ups. I can begin to see light at the end of the tunnel and tonight I go to sleep remembering: Tomorrow Begins A New Today.

Oh, and in a few weeks, I plan to take some quiet healing spiritual time in a Zen monastery. Dear fellow FiftyandFurthermores, what a gift Saging has given me - to feel free enough to live at both ends of the spectrum. This summer I will have vacationed in the city some call the Paris of the Western Hemisphere, as well as quietly soaked up the tranquility of the East. I haven't enjoyed the chaos surrounding these vastly different vacations, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to reward myself for a job well done.

Thank the Lord I’m no longer young

Thank the Lord I’m no longer young. Tonight I was reminded of what it’s like to be under forty, looking for a mate, not connecting with anything or anyone real, and having to do it all with music so loud it doesn’t matter what you say anyway.

I committed to go to a party sponsored by several organizations that I support. In that sense I’m glad I went. One of the few gray-haired men there told me I was sexy. I told him he was fortunate I appreciated the compliment and wasn’t under 35 where he, or any guy of any age, might have risked a sexual harassment suit.

The appetizers were about a half grade better than the US Airways lounge and when I asked if the champagne was drinkable the bartender, noting I was probably there for a reason other than to be picked up, smiled at me and gave me my glass for free. (Who knows what they actually charge?)  I said “hi’ to everyone I wished to and fled when I could.

For all those 50+ who miss your youth, I advise you to go to one of these ubiquitous young crowded bar scenes. Then, tell me if you really want to be young again. I’ll settle for an age-appropriate good meal with good service and decent conversation any time. And I bet so will you.

My letter to TIME Magazine

A few months back, TIME Magazine printed an article titled The War Over Going Gray (read the article here) which basically contained the same "aging gracefully" babble that makes me so frustrated. In fact this particular article got me so agitated that I took the time to write a letter to the editor with my thoughts on the article. Unfortunately, TIME didn't select my cogent and insightful (I thought) response as worthy of their print, so I am posting my thoughts here for you to read instead:

While I applaud TIME Magazine for being in sync with today's "mature" conflicts, I suggest that the boomer issue is far more than to be, or not to be, gray.  We over fifty are stuck between presenting our wise authentic selves, and the desire to be forever young.  Of those over fifty whose unlined faces you use as examples in “The War Over Going Gray,” I am sure at least several have been "tweaked." Cosmetic procedures for both men and women are on the rise.  According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, since 1997 the overall number of cosmetic procedures has increased 444% with well over 11.5 million surgical and non-surgical procedures performed in the US each year.

I listen to the Gray Wars daily in my psychotherapy practice for those who are FiftyandFurthermore.  From the postmen to the pundits I work with, we are all in this boat together.  While psychologically we want to age as Sages, having benefited from our years on earth, most of us also want to appear as attractive (read youthful) as possible. I admit to struggling with this issue myself.  It's not just the desire to stay fit that keeps me committed to my Pilates, yoga and exercise routine. I want to look good. As we age, we find that no matter how well we may present our external selves, our bodies still develop aches and pains.

Aging gracefully is garbage!  It takes effort to keep up those doctor appointments, flossing, vitamins, etc.  It's a complex task to age, gray or not. The consumer media tell us we should look as good as we feel. The truth is that most boomers are deeply conflicted about how to appear to the world.  Do I demonstrate my wisdom through hard-earned gray hair?  Am I letting down my true self by buying into the youth oriented beauty industry?  With more than half of the population over the age of fifty by 2010, perceptions will change. Baby boomers have always shaped the world, and they will continue to do so, once they figure out exactly how they want to live. But just how remains to be seen.

Dorree Lynn, PhD

Psychologist, Author
Editor in Chief of www.FiftyandFurthermore.com

Sex, Sage, Spirit

For those unaware, I also blog for Eons.com. My blog group is titled "Sex, Sage, Spirit," which perhaps seems like a complex name for a website or community. I chose it as I believe that this triple S set helps to comprise important aspects of our developmental life stages. I believe that as we hit the half century mark they become vital to acknowledge, integrate and grow into. Of course there’s also Love as perhaps the most important element of all. But, as we enter these precious years, we are in a unique position to reevaluate what we mean by Sex, Sage and Spirit.

Sex is always with us whether we are having it or not. I believe that it is part of our life force and that as we Sage, it becomes a useful opportunity for us to rethink what we mean by sex. Is it penetration or cuddling or longing or what?

With our years, we are all Sages in training as we have learned much. Instead looking backward at what might have been or who we once were, we now have the opportunity to grow into our wisdom and share it with others. Our years on earth have given us gifts of knowledge and perspective and each of us has the opportunity to use these gifts in our own unique way.

Spirit, energy or spirituality, whatever term you use, exists for us as well.  Studies show that this issue becomes more important with advanced years. As psychologist, expert, educator, student and seeker, I am fascinated by these three S’s as well as many more.  Thus, I will continue to write more in depth about this triple treat: the powers of sex, sage, spirit. I invite you to share your ideas, experiences, feelings and journeys with me and with each other. I write from a place deep in my soul. It’s serious, frivolous and everything in between. We are all in this stage together. Let’s talk and share and in the process help each other grow. I'll keep writing more. I invite you to do so as well.

Housing Options for LGBT Elders Emerging Across the United States

As we S-age and as diversity becomes a word that has some truth to it, we have neither lost our creative brainpower, nor are we are over the hill. In fact, we are innovators. The first high-end lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) retirement community is celebrating its first anniversary and has open doors. Youth: look, listen, watch and learn.

The notion of housing for LGBT older adults has increasingly drawn media coverage of late. The reports cite a number of causes for the movement to create such housing: LGBT individuals’ concern about discrimination, their longing to share cultural perspectives with their neighbors, the likelihood that neither children nor other relatives will care for them in old age. The potential explosion of demand with the aging of the gay-liberation boomer generation also is frequently noted.

Random Trivia: The earliest mention in the U.S. media of a proposal to build specialized housing for gay elders appears in Dal McIntire (pseudonym of James Kepner), “Tangents: News and Views,” One Magazine (April-May 1956)!

Living Longer The Japanese Way

If any of you who read my Blogs or meander around FiftyandFurthermore ever get tired of reading about and hearing me speak about the need for healthy living, good relationships and community, this article adds fine fuel to my personal fire. According to a story released by Reuters, “An 111-year-old Japanese just named the world's oldest man said he owed his longevity to steering clear of alcohol."

"I don't drink alcohol -- that is the biggest reason for my good health," Tomoji Tanabe told reporters on Monday, June 18, 2007.  He also told media he does not smoke and likes a glass of milk a day.

Asked how much longer he wanted to live, the besuited Tanabe, a former local government worker, said simply: "I don't want to die."

“The Japanese are among the world's longest-lived people, with 28,395 people aged 100 or above in Japan at the end of September last year, according to the Health Ministry. Researchers have attributed the phenomenon to factors including healthy diet and tight-knit communities.”

This simple vignette tells a great deal about what is wrong with our current state of affairs. American society eats poorly, has fragmented relationships and individuals struggle to keep any sense of community. As a proponent of melding the best of east and west, I urge us to learn some positive values from traditional Japanese culture. As Japanese youth race towards American values at the same time that our population S-ages, let’s lead the way and learn what will benefit us from our Japanese elders.  If we follow some of their dictums or ways of living, we too may be able to live longer, healthier and more fulfilled lives. And who knows? May be in the long run, even our children will benefit?

How Old Am I? A Matrix Way of Thinking.

In discussions about age, people often state the specific age that they are possibly or feel. Some people spend ages on longevity tests that purport to tell the difference between chronological age and real age. Life is not that simple for me. I know my chronological age (65) but that isn’t how I view the question How old am I? Nor is it how I am able to answer it.

 

I get a sense of my age by placing my self on a continuum. There are many life experiences I’ve had, parenting, menopause, grand parenting, vocational changes, that someone younger hasn’t had. At the same time, there are many experiences and life events that I’ve not yet had; certain illnesses, frailties, body betrayals, great grand children, 50th anniversary, slowing down, that many of my older friends and colleagues have had and known.

 

So I know my age by looking behind, looking ahead and placing myself in the middle of my personal matrix. That is why the term 60 is the new 40 makes me want to throw up. At 40, menopause was a distant concept as was grand parenting. So, I share this with you as a way of rethinking your own life age-stage. Use it. I hope you find it helpful.

S-aging, Aging: No Myths Allowed

The other day, I was discussing age with Jacqueline Wales of www.fearlessfifties.com and why we were both committed to our individual messages. During our extensive phone conversation, Jacqueline commented that she felt she was in her twenties, not fifties. “No” I disagreed. “If that were really true you could not possibly be doing the coaching and have developed your fearless fifty message. Your message is a product of your life experience and that is not experience that happened by the time you were twenty.” Jacqueline quickly agreed and we were off and running with additional thoughts.

The conversation made me think about how carelessly we all use words and toss around concepts (Myself included). It is why I hate the Madison Avenue coined and readily accepted term sixty is the new forty. No it is not. Sixty is the new sixty, or fifty is the new fifty or seventy is the new seventy or so on.

When wake up in the morning I do not feel as I did when I was forty? And why would I want to? Yes, our new sixty, for example may be a younger image and more energetic person than the sixty of a decade ago.  But I wake up with, aches, pains, delight, wisdom, concerns that are certainly different from when I was forty. And I believe so does everyone else.

So, why not get a little more reality based? And let’s start acknowledging that we may still be smart, savvy, sexy, but vulnerable human beings whose bodies, no matter how well cared for, break down with wear and tear. So do our minds as well. (Or perhaps dementia is merely the tossing away of a life of irrelevant material so that what matters most, or merely imagination) remains?  Why can’t we grow into becoming life long S-ages in training? S-ages in the most essential meaning of the word?

I know the effort it takes to get to my yoga or Pilates class or make sure I walk or eat as healthily as I can.  I dislike the simple truth that where once sleep seemed something I might need or not, now, I get tired and can’t push as I once did. And health has become one of my major concerns. There are differences in how we S-age today. But let’s be realistic about what those differences are and make the choices they give us thoughtfully and responsibly. When I enter the dangerous mythological world of wouldda, couldda, shuouldda, do I wish I knew what I know now perhaps 15 years ago, Yup, I do? But, reality is now. And living in the real world with what I’ve lost and learned is all I have. And hopefully a future in which I can continue to grow and give. Life is never entirely simple. But it sure is interesting—at any stage.