Fifty and Furthermore's Blog

Plenty of Fish in the Sea

The age of prince, or princess, charming showing up at your door is over.  But, hard as it is to believe, there are plenty of fish in the sea.  If you are single and hoping to find a life partner or an interim good-fit companion, you can’t just sit at home and expect Mister or Miss Right to magically show up at your door.  Finding your match is like job hunting, only harder.  Like on a job search, you might get lucky the first time out, or you may have to invest some time and intelligence into sorting through the possibilities.  As with job hunting, it helps to know yourself and be persistent.  Unlike job hunting, looking for a potential mate involves more of the whole you, body, mind, and heart.  And then there’s that confusing question of sex.  If you go out, do you have to put out?  Does a guy have different needs than a gal?  Do you even know your needs?  Are you aware of the new rules for dating so you can keep safe and find who you want?  Dating after 50 takes some research and smart thinking, a cautiously open heart and the willingness to invest some time and effort in the present so that you can change your future.

Sex After 50

I’m in my Florida writing “nest” tunneled vision and writing away about Sex after 50. One more time, I am humbled by all there is to learn and all I don’t know after I thought I was a “know it all” expert-sexpert. I’m including a brief paragraph from my notes. You can read more of my thoughts on this endlessly fascinating subject (at least I think it is) on the soon to be relaunched FiftyandFurthermore.com. (Yes, it is really finally happening.) Also watch for my articles on www.vibrantnation.com and in Counselor magazine. And, there are my new video segments on  AARP’s My Generation which is rapidly expanding to local channels near you.

Here’s a thought to ponder:

As we garner years, we all need to blaze our own trail. Few of us are ever really prepared to age.  We all realize if we live long enough, it’s bound to happen “someday,” but not today, and certainly not to us.  Getting older is one of those things we assume we will figure out when we get there, even though we’ve been aging all along.  But for those of us who hit puberty in the sex-soaked 1950s and 60s, aging may seem especially alien now.  Who are our role models for how sexy we can be in our 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond?  Clearly, not the stogy over-50s of our parents’ generation.  And there is another big difference between us and our elders:  People over 50 are living longer now than any group before.  That means many of us will be alive and kicking for many more years past our reproductive primes, and therefore, “doing it” longer than any other generation.  How we continue to remain sexual changes. But can we if we want to? Absolutely. The want to part is crucial. Many over 50’s hang up their sexual selves with age either because they truly no longer care and are simply relieved to no longer have to be “bothered “ by sex. Or their changing hormones have let them down and they aren’t aware that nature’s natural course isn’t necessarily natural at all. Sometimes we can all use a little help from varied friends of all kinds: hormonal, edible, exercise and personal. Desire is both physical and mental. I’ll share more as I continue to write.

Calling All Men with Falling Hair, Faulty Plumbing, and Flagging Dicks

I am totally immersed in writing my new book tentatively titled Is there Sex After 50? (Health Communications, Inc, Spring 2010). They are the publishers of Chicken Soup for The Soul and many other New_York Times, best sellers. Who know what will happen? The important part is that I’m loving writing it and working intensely to meet my summer deadline. I’ll tell you much more about the book as I complete chapters. For now, here’s a first draft teaser that may or may not be changed. I do tell you how to fix the challenges in the book and will shortly in a blog.

Calling All Men with Falling Hair, Faulty Plumbing, and Flagging Dicks

Is your hair thinning or already gone?  Are your whiskers going grayer than an old goose?  When you wake up in the middle of the night to pee (again!), does your belly stick out further than your prick? 

Back when you were young, you wanted to make love, again and again.  Now you’re lucky if you can just get it up.  Are you wondering what changed?  More importantly, wouldn’t you love to know how to fix it?

FiftyandFurthermore.com Relaunch Coming Soon!

FiftyandFurthermore.com is making a change for you! A brand new version is on
the way. The relaunched site will have more  of Dr. Dorree Lynns presence. Plus, 
it will be hip, elegant, easy to navigate, and community oriented.
 
So, if you are over 50 and still rockin (and we dont mean in a chair), if youve 
wised up with time but havent lost your edge, if youre smart, sexy, and savvy 
(and sometimes maybe a little confused), Dr. Dorree Lynns new 
FiftyandFurthermore.com is for you!
 
Celebrity psychologist, wise elder, and national sexpert, Dr. Dorree Lynn 
created FiftyandFurthermore as your interactive, sexy-after-50 wisdom portal.  
On the new site, Dr. Dorree and her guest writers will continue to offer tons of 
juicy tid-bits and meaty information about everything from how to find Mr. (or 
Mrs.) Right, to granny erotica, and the latest in spray-on condoms.  Even better, 
women of wisdom who still have pulse, now have a place to freely share your 
thoughts, anonymously tell your secrets, ask outlandish (and not-so-outlandish) 
questions, and discover along with some great insights that we really are 
precious, sexy, and wise at every age and stage.  
 
Follow Dr. Dorrees innovative talks and sometimes quirky (not kinky) thoughts 
on life, love, sex, relationships, and happiness.  Soon FiftyandFurthermore will 
allow you join our community and participate in conversations with each other.
 
We appreciate your patience during this transition and are very excited to 
welcome you to the new FiftyandFurthermore! 

Sex Really Can Be Fun

While I’m on the topic of Sin City, did you know that, according to The New York Times, May 29, 2008, people are having more sex but experiencing less joy?  Seems that the glut of explicit sex manuals leaves little to the erotic imagination as they seems more like learning the computer or taking an IT course. If books aren’t enough, there are retreats (usually coed) focused on teaching pleasure, usually to the woman.  Actually seems sexist to me. Why is it assumed that a guy wouldn’t want the same opportunity or doesn’t need the help? Or are really back to the story of O? by Anne Desclos (under the pen name Pauline Reage)? As a sexpert I am committed to reminding participants that it’s the fun of the process that gets you where you want to go. Put down that teaching manual, have some fun and let your imagination flow. Sex is not another task to be added to your list. Sex really can be fun.    

Seniors Between the Sheets

I’ve just returned to DC after presenting at and attending the American Society of Aging conference in Las Vegas. I have tons of new information and things to think about. The biggest blast though, was attending the conference geared to those 50 and over in Sin City America. Walking around the slot machines or the Paris and Bally’s Hotels with 3500 over 50 intellectuals dedicated to teach and learn (and possibly gamble) was a hoot. My own presentation on Seniors Between the Sheets was the only one that dealt directly with sexuality in the second half of life. (It fits right in with my new book on Sex after 50, due Spring 2010.) Two of the most interesting questions I was asked were: where is the g spot and how does one find it (yes, people still don’t always know) and is it OK to have an a affair if one is a long term caregiver? (I answered that in my last book on Caregiving.) For now I’m taking a nap. As a concession to age, red eye flights require rest before I can continue to function well. However, I’ll tell you how I answered these questions and other scintillating, titillating and downright interesting information about this past week in my blogs during the next few days and weeks. I still smile with delight at the paradox of focusing on Aging in America in Sin City.

Sex Trumps Economics

There’s no doubt about it, times are tough.  Instead of letting the recession take a toll on your relationship, the trick is to utilize these economically challenging times to remember qualities that can strengthen your most endearing relationships. Be honest about what you are upset/stressed about, but don’t play the “blame game.”

Five Relationship Building Tips:

COMMUNICATE.   Be open and communicate what is going on financially with each person.  Discuss how much each person is making, what your budget is and where you will cut costs to make up for a lower income or just to increase savings.  Never assume how things should work financially.  People often make assumptions in relationships based on their own family dynamics, which can cause trouble if you are not on the same page.  Always talk about it.

BE THOUGHTFUL.  Some advice: “My boyfriend is a financial planner and I recently learned to check the stock market at the end of the day.  Most importantly, it means a lot to him that I pay attention to the things that are important to him and second, it gives me a heads up on what kind of mood he’ll be in when he gets home!”  The important thing is to be sensitive to each other’s reactions to money and individual stresses about the financial situation.

ACT AS A TEAM.  Do not blame one person or another for making less money or losing their job.  Combine your resources and figure out what works best for both of you.  It’s also important to set goals together.  If you are the major bread winner, make sure your partner doesn’t feel guilty by reassuring him/her that you are a team.  If you make less, help the other person not to feel resentful by making extra contributions in other aspects of your relationship and daily lives. Remember roles can switch in a heartbeat.

SEX HELPS.   At the end of a long day, sex helps.  (Even an afternoon delight-if you can squeeze it in.) It’s been proven that good sex releases “happy hormones.” Therefore, it is a great way for a couple to come together and focus on each other rather than life’s challenges.

NEVER TALK ECONOMICS IN THE BEDROOM.  If you want to experience performance anxiety, just plain anxiety or get into a fight, go ahead and talk money in bed. My advice: Never.!!! Save such conversations for a designated time, with a glass of wine or a cup of tea. But never confuse a discussion about stressful economics with a joyful outcome about thee and me.

Sex is Recession Proof; Love is Depression Proof

In the wake of dire predictions of our current economic crisis and even more so, dealing with the reality of shrinking bank accounts, a poor real estate market and tons of fraud, many people are experiencing psychological highs and lows as well as multiple stress related physical symptoms. A great antidote to depression, sleeplessness and general malaise is sex. Sex, with or without penetration or orgasm, though both are pluses, produces more than psychological benefit. When individuals are aroused their bodies release natural feel-good endorphins. These endorphins help keep the body health and spirits high.

Reaching out to those you care about and even those who may be less fortunate than you are and need your help, also helps keep you happier.  Good relationships and loving connections produce hormones that are known’s as “happy hormones” or “live longer hormones” that help keep individuals healthier and alive.

There is even reason to reach out for the one glass of red wine which produces energy additive antioxidants which keep stamina going and help your bedtime activities stay active. Otherwise, “forbidden” delights such as chocolate can also be heart healthy in many ways.  Flavonoids fight disease, and antioxidants prevent some of the risk factors associated with heart attacks and strokes.  Chocolate is also rich in an amino acid called phenyl ethylamine, the "love chemical” that serves as a natural anti-depressant. Of course if you break out in acne or your waist line enlarges or you have diabetes, these preventative joys are not a good idea.  Warning: use with caution and consult your health professional before you change your diet.

During the great depression families got closer, not more distant. Precisely because of the duress due to the times, they needed each other and reached out for support and sustenance. They also had less time and/or interest in divorce, acquisitions of unnecessary items and extraneous costly activities.

So, under our current economic stress, don’t quit and certainly don’t be a loner. Join with those you care about. Keep doing activities that you enjoy (even though you may have to scale down frequency or be innovative about how to afford them.) Eat some otherwise ‘forbidden foods”, have sex with those you care about, not those who are simply handy such as your postal person or hairdresser, and certainly open your heart to demonstrate love to those you truly care about. Think about sex and love as the best prescriptions for your health.  And the best part is that they are free.

Help the Economy: Shop American

I am going to say something bad. Try counting to 10 and thinking before you dismiss me. Try substituting curiosity instead of judgment. My bad words are: "I finally understand what it is to be American." Not only that, I know how to do my part in helping turn around America's flagging economy. Years ago I was a pilgrim abroad seeking other cultures to plant my roots. After a year of traveling I returned to my home. It's too complex to reiterate all the reasons why, but I knew I was an American and this was where I would live.

So one thing Obama has got right is that if we are going to shore up our economy, we have to buy American. I am suddenly obsessed with the idea in the most practical way.

The election night tableau of the Obama family on stage brought home how much has changed in American culture. The history-ready photograph that was seen around the world was color-coded, perfectly designed and purchased all-American. Now let's get this straight. I love my Valentino and was recently photographed for a fashion magazine in my favorite Galliano. Wearing my red Dior lambskin jacket butters my soul. (Okay, I'm a bit hyperbolic, it's only my skin.) But American is now my preference, and you will be glad to hear, it won't be St. John.

Obama didn't wear Zegna or Brioni, two European men's designers whose fabrics and cuts are as they say "to die for." He stuck with the darkest blue Chicago company Hart Schaffner Marx made and looked just swell. His red and grey striped tie color coordinated with Sasha and Maila's outfits, and Michelle's black and red was also designed by an American. I admit, on TV the dress looked awful, but after researching the dress, it was by Cuban immigrant Narciso Rodriguez, designer of the wedding dress worn by the late fashionista Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. Michelle had tossed an all-American black cardigan over the dress's curvy lines and had probably never realized that the lacey fabric didn't show well on TV. I've little doubt that she'll do better next time.

But I've gotten the message. For years I've said that Detroit had to go hybrid to compete, that windmills were for more than chasing after and that manufacturing and purchasing US made would be how our economy could grow. This country is a great pace to travel, and vacations to fit every desire can be had without leaving our states and territories.

Does this mean I will avoid the rest of the word? No. After all, we are a World Wide Web world. But I will think twice about keeping my purchase close to home. When possible, I will shop American products. I suggest you do too.

Caregiving and Sex: A Conversation

I used to say that my last book, When The Man You Love is Ill: Doing The Best for Your Partner Without Losing Yourself, wasn't really a sexy book. While it's true that Caregiving isn't usually considered a sexy subject, I do have an entire section devoted to taking care of your relationship. And one chapter, "Your Sex Life and Serious Illness," offers tons of psychological and practical tips on how to keep your sex life alive.

Last week, I was traveling, appearing on media and speaking to groups on various subjects. Exhausted, I arrived for my final flight home. The airline attendant behind the center was someone I've gotten to know well. She's a lovely woman and as we chatted about my speech that morning at the Jacksonville Jewish Center and about her life, the subject of sex came up. "My husband was in a terrible car crash four months ago," Janine told me. "He almost died."

I was taken aback at her news and as the airport was relatively empty, we continued to chat. He's been home recuperating and she's been the primary caregiver, mom of four young kids and trying to keep life functioning, one day at a time.

I don't remember how the subject of sex came up. Maybe we were talking about the effect of his medications? Impishly, she looked at me and said, "My husband says the train is in the station, but he isn't able to board, but honey, come on over and hop on the caboose."

Tired as I was, I left smiling. As I walked towards my plane, over my shoulder I said to her. "Consider that line too good not to be shared."